Beloved
by BluLadyK
Summary: Complete “ ‘I don’t need to shut myself off from you…you took care of that for me.’ With that I wrenched my wrist from his hand and stormed out of the gravity room” Trunks is finally forced to deal with Bulma’s suicide after 15 years. Plea
1. Wasting Away

Beloved  
  
AN: Hey! I know that I should be working on my other fics, but this idea has been in my head for a LONG time and it wouldn't go away. I am working on my other ones so do not fear if you read those, the next chapter is coming!  
  
Warnings: cursing…a lot of cursing. Adult themes, nothing graphic but some innuendoes. It's in Vegeta's POV and he's kinda OOC. Sorry, but I felt it was necessary, and it's not too bad.   
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Ball Z, or Staind or their song "Waste" Although all three are really good. Listen to the song when reading if you can, it helps set the mood and is just a great song period.   
  
Now without further ado, I present:  
  
  
Beloved  
  
  
  
I completed my one thousandth sit up in 400 G's, but my mind, and heart were else where. As it had for the past six years, my thoughts drifted to the woman. I sighed and sat up, resting my arms on my bent knees. I was breathing heavily, but it wasn't from the intense pressure compressing my lungs. No. It was time, every piece of my body, soul, and mind knew it was time.   
  
I slowly stood up and strode over to the core of the gravity room. I hit the button to turn it off and heard the automated voice warn me that the gravity was going to decelerate. I waited a few seconds, allowing my body to readjust to the gravity before I moved to the door. The bright sun only bothered my eyes for a moment.  
  
I searched out the brat's ki. He was with Kakkarot's brat, their ki's are slightly raised; they must be sparring. All I know is my brat better be winning. I take off to where I sensed them. Upon arrival, I was filled with a sense of pride. My boy was pounding Kakkarot's into the ground.  
  
"Brat!" I hollered. My shout had caused the fight to stop mid-way. Kakarot's brat had his leg swung about, resting against my brat's raised arm, while mine had his other fist against Kakkarot's brat's cheek.   
  
"Father?" my brat answered, confusion clearly shown on his four-year-old face. The other brat looked just as confused. "Do you wish to spar father?" my brat clarified.  
  
"No, we're leaving. Kakkarot's brat has to go now." The two boys looked even more confused, but they shrugged and lowered themselves from the stances they were in from my interruption.   
  
"Bye Goten. I'll call you later." My brat said, waving to the boy.  
  
"Bye Trunks. Um, ja ne!" he said, before flying off towards his house. My son walked over to me,  
  
"Father, where are we going?"  
  
"To see your mother." I answered. His face immediately sunk.  
  
"It's time?"  
  
"Hai." I answered him. He nodded and followed me in the air as we headed to my mate's location. The flight there was filled with silence. I didn't want to do this, but I knew it was necessary, as did Trunks. Trunks, I snorted. Not the proper name of a crowned Prince of   
Vegeta-sai, I scoffed. It wasn't even Saiyan! But, I guess what's done is done, as they say. My thoughts were brought to a halt when I saw we had reached our destination. I flew down, knowing that my son would follow.   
  
"Wait here." I ordered him, moving over to her. He nodded and sat down on the grass, swatting at the bugs flying around his face. I sighed and sat down next to her location.  
  
*******************************************  
Your mother came up to me  
She wanted answers only she should know  
Only she should know  
  
It wasn't easy to deal   
With the tears that rolled down her face  
I had no answers  
'Cause I didn't even know you  
  
********************************************  
  
"Hello Woman." I stated as calmly as I could. "I met you six years ago. Yet, in all those six years I never once have gotten to know you, truly. What I'm going to say, it's going to be hard for me. I have to get it all out now, or I never will." With that I took another deep breath and thought of what to say.  
  
Her mother had come to me the other day, practically begging for an explanation. I had none to offer, I hardly knew the woman before me. She's as mysterious as Freeza's gender.   
  
"Your mother doesn't understand what you did. No one does. Not even that baka Kakkarot. I don't think even Kami saw this one coming. You are the only one who knows why you left…and yet I'm not even sure you do, do you?" I paused to look at where she was. No answer, not like I was expecting one anyway. So I moved on.  
  
"I can still remember the day I first saw you on Namek," I began, deciding that telling the whole story from the beginning would get the point across that I wanted. At least that's what I hoped. "I admit that I didn't exactly take the time to admire you at the time, seeing in how baldy held the giant orb that was the bane of my existence in his clammy little hands. But, I am willing to tell you now, that I did think you were beautiful. I gave you that much then, as I do now. You actually made me stop for a second and think about my decision to steal the ball." Here I paused to let out a chuckle.   
  
"Of course it was only a second, before my evil thoughts continued. No one had ever done that to me before. You were the first of many things in my life woman. Definitely the first to stand up to me, with the exception of Freeza and Zarbon of course. You were the first to amaze me. You dazzled me with your beauty, brains and your spirit. Not even Kakkarot's spirit on the battle field could match yours on your worst day." I smiled thinking back on all the time that I knew her. My mind obviously drifted to the "days of torture" as she called them. The days I made her life a living hell.   
  
"Do you remember the first day that I was on earth again? When you gave me that pink shirt?" I laughed. "I was seriously considering killing you then woman. I think the only thing that stopped me was your answer." I stopped to think what it was she had told me to make me return the growing ball of ki back into my palm. "I believe you yelled that you weren't my servant and then had the gull to laugh at me. Yes, that was it. It was the laugh. It was like silver bells on Christmas. Of course, I hadn't heard any silver bells on Christmas until that winter.  
  
"You were my first. Kiss, that is. I had never kissed a woman before you. I didn't believe in it. I've always thought it gross and unnecessary. Coupling was only good for two things, a stress reliever and the producing brats. Of course with the former, I'd always take a rough training session over a round with a whore any day. And, well the latter," I sighed "the latter I was saving until I found my queen.  
  
"Your lips changed my theory about sex real quick. That Christmas truly was magical. I can still remember the velvety taste of wine mixed with whatever meal had been consumed earlier that evening. Sure, your lips only touched mine for a split second. And sure no one witnessed it. But, Kami, from that moment on I lusted after you for like I have never lusted for anything else. And that wasn't sated even after we slept together. It only made me want you more, which confused the hell out of me.  
  
"Every other woman only lasted until my first release, then I grew bored. But you, you had me lusting after you even after our first night. That's why I had to leave." I hesitated. I was approaching the part that I didn't want to say. Just skip the middle and go right to the end that was my philosophy. Nothing good happens ever happens until the end anyway. But of course, that would get me no where and would only interrupt my training once again, thoughts of her plaguing my mind.   
  
"I left, because I started to feel comfortable. You no longer bothered me. When you walked into the room, my defenses stayed down. I could lie in the same bed as you for hours wanting nothing more than to be holding you, and I started to feel…Kami…I started to love you. Kami help me, I grew attached. Attachments are dangerous and I couldn't have one. So, I decide one morning to leave to train.   
  
"I told myself that it was to get away from you and to avoid the brat I felt growing inside of you. Taking care of brat's was not a man's job. But, deep down, I was scared. I was scared that if I couldn't achieve my goal you would never accept me. If I weren't strong enough I wouldn't be able to protect you and our son. It always came back to you. Everything I did, I did it for you, whether you realized this or not."  
  
***********************************************************  
But these words  
They can't replace  
The life you…  
…the life you waste  
  
How could you paint this picture?  
With life as bad as it should seem  
That there were no more options for you  
I can't explain how I feel  
I've been there many times before  
I've tasted the cold steel of my life crashing down before me  
  
************************************************************  
  
"Where did I go wrong? How could you not know that I cared for you with every bone in my body, every part of my mind and every inch of my soul?" I stopped, trying to calm my raging emotions. Now was not the time to break down, in rage or tears I knew not. Both were not good.   
  
"Did you hate me that much? Did you loath your life so much that you felt that running was the only option? That's what you did you know that? You ran. You put your tail between your legs and ran like a scared little bitch." It wasn't working. My anger was leaking out, and I feared that if I released it, I would never be able to tame it. To put it back in its proverbial bottle.  
  
"You always do this to me woman. You always throw my emotions onto a one way roller coaster to hell. I can't explain what you do any better than that. You cause me to feel things that I haven't felt either in a very long time or ever. I don't know how you do it, but you manage to confuse me, even now." I stop, taking the time to compose myself.   
  
"I felt it, when the bra…Trunks was born, I felt it. I knew that it was a boy, that you had him, and I knew that both my queen and son were fine. I was always connected to you woman. I've always known what you were feeling. Except this past year. You've blocked me out somehow. I desperately wanted to know what you were thinking, feeling, but I had too much pride to ask. Maybe that's what you wanted. Maybe you wanted me to get over my pride and ask you how you were. But, you must have known that never would have happened? You've been my mate for how long and yet you don't know me either?   
  
"Perhaps that's where we went wrong. We started with lust and then I moved to love and matehood, without even seeing if you had advanced to where I was. Maybe you never loved me in the first place." Everything I was saying hurt me deeper than I could ever have imagined. I had never thought of any of these things before, I was just thinking aloud. These thoughts and feelings coming from the inner most part of my soul. The part I had buried long ago.  
  
"You never wanted him did you? You never wanted a son or a daughter for that matter. You just wanted someone to love you, someone you could love back. You don't know me very well then woman. You don't know that you will always have a place in my once impenetrable heart. You had the key; you've always had the key. Yet you never chose to use it, I opened my arms for you and you didn't even know it."  
  
I hesitated, I didn't know if I could go on. I came for answers, and all I acquired was more questions. I couldn't go on, not yet. I rested my head in my hands and sighed deeply. This was harder than I thought.   
  
*******************************************************  
But these words  
They can't replace  
The life you…  
…the life you waste  
  
Did Daddy not love you?  
Or did he love you just too much?  
Did he control you?  
Did he live through you at your cost?  
Did he leave no questions for you to answer on your own?  
  
********************************************************  
  
I couldn't figure out what caused this change in her. Her mother was still the annoying ditz she always was. I was the same, nicer, but still basically the same. All her friends treated her the same. Her father…her father! Why didn't I see it before? Was it he? Was he the one who caused this change in my mate?  
  
"Woman, I was wondering, what of your father? Is he the one that changed you? I only talked to the old fool when I wanted something for the Gravity Room. Of course, I always went to you first, so my interaction with him was minimal. He seemed normal at meals, and he watched Trunks."  
  
I paused, could it have been him? I didn't see a change; but then again, she hadn't seen the change in me. Which I thought was pretty damn obvious. I had stopped calling her blue haired bitch for one thing. Woman was the term I had regressed to, which I found endearing. But, hell, what do I know anyway?  
  
"Life's a real bitch you know that woman? You go around for 25 years believing in something and then, just like that," Here I snapped my fingers for emphasis, before continuing, "everything changes. Everyone and everything you knew is gone, nothing that you believed in is worth believing in anymore, and your lost.   
  
"That's what you did to me. You've changed my world. I've always believed in domination, pain, and anger. The only three things in life you ever need to know. You crave domination, fear pain and thrive on anger. The only things needed to survive in Freeza's army, besides immense power and major ass kissing.  
  
"How you've changed me. I no longer believe they are the only three things you need to know. You taught me kindness, friendship, and love. You showed me these through you actions. Did no one teach you? Did you simply learn them on your own, through omission. Omission, believe me, it is definitely one of the deadly sins. Is that it? Were you ignored your whole life? So you decided to be loud, and conceited, only for attention. Have I misjudged you all along?"  
  
I was going off topic. Perhaps the first time in my life, I found myself rambling. I was going too far into the past. Wait…she did it again. She managed to distract my thoughts from the point. The point of me dragging my ass out here! It was for answers. I wanted, no needed answers and I was going to get them.  
  
  
*************************************  
WELL FUCK THEM!  
AND FUCK HER!  
AND FUCK HIM!  
AND FUCK YOU!  
For not having the strength in your heart  
TO pull through!  
I've had doubts!  
I have failed!  
I've fucked up!  
I've had plans!  
Doesn't mean   
I should take  
My Life  
With my own hands.  
  
*************************************  
  
I stopped. I had to. I was losing it and I knew it. I couldn't control my anger anymore. It was her fault! It was all her fault. My guilt had built up so much that it spilled over and transformed into denial. I was no longer willing to take the blame for her shit and her mistakes. It all fell back on her, as it always did.   
  
"How could you? How could you do something so selfish? Did you have any idea what it would do to me? Or you son? Your son for Kami's sake! You left him, he's only four years old! Now he'll grow up without a mother. Without the love and compassion, that made Kakkarot's brat so strong and devoted. He'll be like me…" I finished in a whisper. My anger turned to sorrow faster than I had thought it would.   
  
"You left your four year old to a heartless bastard, with no family and no ties to this pathetic planet. For a genius you sure do some really dumb shit." I couldn't stop the tears. I knew that once they started I couldn't stop them, and I didn't have the energy to try anymore. I was wasting away, and I knew that if I didn't finish what I started I would be nothing but a rotting shell of my former self.   
  
"You have a lot of people to answer to woman. Your son most of all. I just hope that one day you'll be able to face him and explain to him why he had to go through life without you there. You've created more shit than your worth with this one woman.  
  
"Not everything you want can be achieved. I've learned that the hard way. I've suffered more than anyone should be made to suffer, yet you obviously don't agree. Your decision only causes me more pain and suffering. So, the irony, the twist of fate everyone just loves to hear, I opened myself to you, believing that you would end my pain and suffering and you were the one to take it to new heights."   
  
******************  
But these words  
They can't replace  
The life you…  
…the life you waste  
  
*******************  
I snorted. There I said it. I was finished with her. I looked over to where I left Trunks, he hadn't heard any of what I said, or if he did, he didn't show it. He was practicing his forms. I smirked, extremely proud of his strength, mentally and physically.   
  
"Trunks." I called to him. He glanced up, a look of shock on his face. I had never called him by his name before. He raced over to me.  
  
"Yes Father?" He asked.  
  
"It's time. Say your good-byes." He nodded and walked over to her. He held a few fresh flowers that he had picked while waiting for me tightly clenched in his right hand. He knelt down once he reached her.  
  
"I'm not too good with words yet, Mommy. But I promise to study real hard so I can be. I miss you, and love you. I don't know what happened, Daddy won't tell me. All I know is your gone from my life. Watch out for monsters and boogie men. I wish I could protect you from all the bad monsters, but you are so far away." He paused and looked at me. His eyes brimming with unshed tears. He tried desperately to hold them back.   
  
"You can cry son. I won't tell." He burst into tears no later than the words had left my mouth. He ran to me and clutched my leg. I reached down and picked him up, hugging him to my chest. "Let's go home." He nodded, before silently requesting to be put down. I complied and released him from my hold.   
  
"For you Mommy. They're fresh, just like you liked 'em." He placed the flowers on the top of the beautiful stone that was my mate's head stone. Carved into the rock were the simple words, "Bulma Briefs. Beloved mate, mother and friend. Gone but not forgotten." Her mother had asked what I wanted to write I had only requested one word, which was inscribed in the center under the message, "Kaori-shi" which meant "beloved" in Saiyan.   
  
"Mommy won't be forgotten will she?" Trunks asked. I smiled at him.  
  
"No, never will she be forgotten. Grandma put those words on for a reason. Come on son, it's getting late." Trunks nodded and turned to the grave,  
  
"Don't worry Mommy, I will never forget you." He ran to the grave quickly and kissed it softly. "Never, Mommy." He strode back to me and held his arms up, indicating he wanted to be picked up. I complied, without so much as a scowl. There was a long hard road ahead of us, but we were going to get through it together.   
  
  
***********************  
But these words  
They don't replace  
The life you…  
…THE LIFE YOU WASTE  
  
***********************  
  
  
AN: So? How did you like it? I do not in any shape or form condone suicide. Kaori-shi is a word I made up and if it means anything ::shrugs:: I dunno, the just luck that I made up a word that already exists. It had no "hidden meaning" just what Veggie-chan said. There will be a sequel that is more like a prequel of Bulma's feelings and how she did it and all that jazz. I have no idea when it will be out, since I still have to finish chapter six of my Gundam Wing fic before I should even think of writing it…but, that shouldn't be too much longer. Please read and review! 


	2. The Pain I Feel

Beloved  
  
  
AN: Hey! Well, I have chapter seven of my gundam fic out, so I think it's okay to work on this one. The thanks are going to be at the end of the chapter, just as they are on all my fics. I am glad people enjoyed the first chapter.  
  
Warnings: Cursing, and suicide…but I didn't need to tell you that did I? This is in Bulma's POV. Oh and Goku is alive, just to let you know. Although this takes place after Cell and he should be dead, in my fic he's alive.   
  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own dragon ball z or Slipknot's "Diluted" I had a hard time choosing between this song and "Wait and Bleed" another song of Slipknot's. Both are really good, and fit this chapter perfectly. I just think that "Diluted" fits it a tad bit better than "Wait and Bleed"   
  
  
Chapter Two: The Pain I Feel…  
  
  
It was a frosty January morning, so cold that even the Saiyan Prince decided to stay inside for the morning, and allow the day to heat up before moving to the gravity room to train. Of course, the bastard would never say that aloud or even in our bond. I think to myself. I don't know how I could have become so mixed up in him and everything that comes with him. There is just so much extra shit that I have to deal with. More than I ever imagined.  
  
And Trunks certainly doesn't help the situation any. Not that I asked for a son, or that I would have killed him any more than Vegeta would have let me. Who would have thought that he could care about anyone beside himself? Then again, he maintained that he needed an heir and that the child was his, and no 'human whore will destroy anything of mine.' I scowled a very good impersonation of the man on my mind.   
  
When had things become so complicated? When he came, him and his kind. I think scowling even more. Everything was just fine and dandy before Raditz shows up flipping the universe upside down, on HIS orders. It all went back to him, as it always did. He was the cause of every single ounce of pain and suffering I have endured these past few years. In the beginning, he meant to do it of course, being the evil Saiyan that he was. Now, he claims that he would never hurt me, yet he has, more than he will ever know.   
  
He has never hit me, I'll give him that. He has never laid a hand on me, or forced me to do anything I wasn't willing to do. So maybe to him, hurt is only physical. One would think that with this 'bond' we have that I would be happy. I finally have a man who can read my emotions and feelings, yet I have the one man who wouldn't know how to calm a crying child, unless he could just blast the damn thing. That was his answer for everything, blast it to hell. Or eat it. Oh, and then we have the good old, ignore it.   
  
Yea, ignore it. I was familiar with that one. One would think that a gorgeous blue-hared genius would get a little attention in her own home. But no…not in this gorgeous, blue-hared, genius's house. Of course my son gave me attention, he was after all only a child. But, then again, that was only when he wanted something. The same went for my husband…no mate…no I don't know what to call the man that fathered my child, lives in my house, and has reduced me to just the shell of my former self. I don't even know if man is the right word to describe him.   
  
  
*********************************  
I'm cold, I'm ugly  
I'm always confused by everything  
I can stare into a thousand eyes  
But every smile hides a bold-faced lie  
  
*********************************  
  
  
Why couldn't I just be happy? It doesn't sound too hard, or too much of a task for someone like me does it? To just smile and welcome the next day with open arms. But I can't. I haven't been able to in a long time. I don't know why either. I mean, I don't have a horrible life in normal minds. I'm not living on the streets, hell, I'm far from it, being the richest woman on the whole damn planet. I have one of the strongest men in the universe as a…like I said I'm not sure what he is but he would protect me from any evil aliens, that was for sure.   
  
~But can he protect you from yourself?~ the tiny voice in the deepest recesses of my mind spoke, unwanted. ~What about your monsters and aliens that plague you? Does he worry himself over the threats that cannot be seen?~  
  
"Shut up." I whisper to my little voice. Not that it's going to work and not that talking to it is going to make me feel any better either. I could imagine Vegeta's face if he found out I was having a conversation with a voice in my head. Speaking of the devil, I feel his presence behind me. "Too cold to train?" I say to him mockingly. I know it will only goad him into an argument. I could use the distraction.  
  
"Watch your tongue wench." It worked. I knew he wouldn't be able to resist a blow to his precious ego. My back is still to him, so I don't feel worried that he'll catch the evil little smirk dancing on the corners of my mouth. So I wasn't totally unhappy, I loved to torment the poor lost prince. Of course, evil torment only took you so far on the happy scale before it was time for a new hobby.   
  
"And just what do you plan to do until this bitter cold passes, allowing the dear prince access to his little machine that lays in the clutches of the evil cold wind?" I ask, my smirk moving from ear to ear. Oh, how I loved to irritate the hell out of him.   
  
"Woman you would do wise to hold your tongue in my presence, if you know what's good for you." He is growling now, trying to hold in his anger and failing miserably. Oh how he hates to fail, I think gleefully. My glee soon turns to confusion, since when did I get such enjoyment out of other's torment? More specifically his? I finally turn around to face him and am shocked to see a hint of a smile making it's way across his lips. I raise my eyebrow in bewilderment. I mock him and he smiles?  
  
  
**************************************  
  
It itches, it seethes, it festers and breathes  
My heros are dead; they died in my head  
Thin out the herd, squeeze out the pain  
Something inside me has opened up again  
  
**************************************  
  
  
"Why are you smiling?"  
  
"Am I?" He asked, his smile widening a bit at each wisp of fire that shoots through my eyes.  
  
"Yes." I say through clenched teeth.   
  
"Oh, I hadn't noticed." He said dismissively. He began to walk away, towards the front door.  
  
"Where are you going?" I say, and immediately kick myself for sounding so interested. I see him stop and can feel the smudginess rolling off him in waves. He knows that he was won this round. But I'm not giving up just yet.  
  
"Why do you care?"   
  
"I don't." I say turning back to look out the window. Now we'll see who caves first. My resolve is a lot stronger than it used to be. ~It also helps that you really don't care, doesn't it?~ There's that annoying voice again. I growl to myself. Why can't I just be left in peace? Even my own mind will not grant that silent request. I wait no more than ten minutes before I hear him speak again. I turn, slightly startled. I thought he had left. Oh well, round two just ended and the victor is me.  
  
"I'm going training, woman." He said with a sigh. I smile at him, making sure he knows that I know I won.  
  
"Really?" I said, turning my look into one of expressionless beauty. "That's nice." I turn back to look out the window, congratulating myself on my victory. But I suddenly stop my thoughts. Why is everything with that man a war? Do I really want to be congratulating myself on small, insignificant, verbal victories? Or have him hold me in his arms and profess his love to me?  
  
"What is so funny?" he asks at my sudden out burst of laughter. I can't help myself. I think…wait I know that I'll be long dead before Vegeta ever holds anything tenderly and professes his love to anyone but himself. No, there are no such things as knight's in shining armor. That's just a stupid fantasy of mine that has been crushed one too many times, for my faith in romantic men to stay intact.   
  
"Nothing, Veggie. Just go train." I said, again turning to look out the window. I don't know why though, there is nothing but coldness, death, and stormy skies. Maybe the winter reminds me of my heart, in the torrent of emotions it's in right now.   
  
  
************************************************  
  
Thoughts of me exemplified  
All the little flaws I have denied  
Forget today, forget whatever happened  
Everyday I see a little more of overall deficiencies  
I'm nothing short of being one complete catastrophe  
  
************************************************  
  
  
I paused in my thoughts as something that Vegeta had said just seemed to register in my mind. Something that made even me stop in the midst of my thoughts, not something easily accomplished. "What did you say?" I feel him smile, so he meant for me to hear it after all. Oh well, I mentally shrugged, if it's what I thought he said, he's got more than a few words coming his way.   
  
"I said, I'll do just that. Not that a weak human such as yourself could withstand the cold without me there to protect you." He repeated smirking the whole time. I can feel my blood boiling. Weak human, he says! Hah, I'll show him weak.  
  
"Fine…" I growl. "I accept." He looks at me confused.  
  
"Accept what?"  
  
"Your challenge." I remark. I stalk past him and throw open the large storm door. I am immediately blasted with the chilly, no down right freezing winds. I can see…and feel a storm brewing, and it wasn't the one raging behind me either.   
  
"I never issued such a challenge." He thundered, trying to close the door, but I would not allow him, I simply floated outside with a grace I never knew I possessed. I was clad only in my flannel, longsleeve nightgown, and slippers. Vegeta stormed outside after me. He grabbed my shoulders, forcing me to look at him. "Do you have a death wish?" when I did not respond he looked at me harder "Do you want to die?"  
  
"Would that be so bad?" I asked before I even thought of the words that came out of my mouth, and what they meant. He looked visibly shocked.  
  
"What?" I shrugged, the cold getting to me, but I wasn't about to tell him that.   
  
"Nothing, just leave me alone." He smiled down at me.  
  
"No my little women, I can't do that. You are pigheaded and would not turn around and march your weak little ass back in the house, so I must do it for you." He threw me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and proceeded to walk the short trek back to the safety of Capsule Corp. heating, with me pounding on his back the entire time. Once I was safely deposited in my room, he turned to leave.  
  
"Wait!" I called out to him. He turned to me in confusion. "Why…why didn't you just leave me out there?" I ask quietly.   
  
"Why would I leave my property out in the snow? I own you woman, and if I have to remind you of that every day than so be it." He walked over to me and stuck his face right in mine. "I. Own. You." He enunciated each word, progressively becoming more venomous. I know I must have looked shocked; I sure as hell felt shocked. He left the room before I could recover and hurl another insult at him.  
  
  
*******************************************  
  
What the hell - did I - do to deserve - all of this?  
  
I save all the bullets from ignorant minds  
Your insults get stuck in my teeth as they grind  
Way past good taste, on our way to bad omens  
I decrease, while my symptoms increase  
  
********************************************  
  
  
A possession. That's all he thinks I am? That thought hurt me more than it ought to. Why did life have to suck so much? ~That's it, take your vengeance.~ that little voice was back. "How do you mean?" I asked myself. I couldn't believe I was sitting in my room, soaked to the bone from the snow, shivering to death and yet here I was talking to myself. ~You know what I mean…~ Did I? Did I know what means of vengeance would be enough to end my torment and enhance his?  
  
"A fucking possession!" I screamed to myself. Wait…that's it. I knew what I would do. It was Vegeta's own idea…I would kill myself. I know, I know, some revenge if you're not alive to see it…but, that didn't matter to me anymore. I was too hurt to care. Yes, let him insult me, let him do whatever the hell he pleased. It wouldn't matter. I would plan it all out. He had to be the one to find me, it wouldn't work any other way, and I only had one chance to do it right.   
  
"How though?" I said aloud. I needed it to be quick enough should he come earlier that it wouldn't matter, but slow enough that he could feel the panic through the bond. I also had to let him know that it was me who did it, that I was the one who ended my pain. I could always leave a note, but it would be much better if told him myself, which brought me back to the first problem, how would I do it?  
  
Drowning was out of the question. That could just be written off as an accident. No…the idea of hanging myself wasn't too appealing either. I needed to be able to speak. Hmm, I could always shoot myself. Although, it could be over too soon. Then again, I could always feign panic then shoot myself once I felt him coming…yes, it was a possibility.   
  
I could try an overdose on some medication or another, but that was too unpredictable and had a greater survival rate, or a quicker death sentence. No…I think I will go with the shooting idea. That way he could have my blood on his hands, so he would know that he was in some part responsible. Yes, it was perfect. I began to laugh like a maniac. I suppose I was one, planning my death with such…happiness.   
  
I began to hum to myself as I changed out of my wet clothes. There was no point in getting sick now and ruining the fun later. I skipped over to the bathroom and quickly showered. I dressed in blue jeans and a blue sweater. I pulled my hair into a ponytail, after brushing out the knots. I continued humming whatever song that was in my mind, and continued my daily routine. Nothing could look out of the ordinary.   
  
  
****************************************  
  
God what the fuck is wrong  
You act like you knew it all along  
Your timing sucks, your silence is a blessing  
  
****************************************  
  
  
I needn't worry about Vegeta figuring out what I was up to. Even with the bond, it would be impossible. I had erected a mental wall around my mind and heart after I learned that Vegeta would never use the ticket he had properly. That was also about the time I gave up on everything around me. I guess I have been drawing towards this for a long time. I'm not depressed, at least I don't think I am. I'm happy, it's just the things that I take pleasure in were not meant to be good or fun.   
  
Torment, pain, anguish, and death. Everything people avoid feeling, except me. I love to take it and dish it out. Well, not so much the taking as the dishing out, but there is this rush of adrenaline that courses through my veins at every harsh word, or cold look given to me. I don't even think that Vegeta in all his tolerance to pain could endure as much as I. He doesn't realize how strong I am.   
  
No one does, I think rather caustically. They always underestimate me. They always have. I don't think I've ever been given one straight, no shit answer when it came to anything. I always received the sugar-coated version. Damn them! Didn't they think I was strong enough to handle it? I guess I did act like a brat, and that I would cry at the slightest hint of bad news, but that was all in effort to hide myself, to hide who I was. I guess it worked too well, because in all that hiding I lost myself as well.   
  
I no longer know the Bulma that I was as a child. I was forced to be strong, and I am. Stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I'm a brick wall when it comes to feelings and emotions. Nothing moves me anymore, nothing. The last time I smiled a truly happy smile…was probably Trunk's birth. When I first saw his face, I was amazed that I could bring something so pure, so innocent into this world. I was amazed that he wasn't like the monster I had become.  
  
I couldn't allow my son to grow up with a monster for a mother. He would be better off with none. So I lied. I do care about one thing. That is my son. This is all for him. Of course, the look on his father's face will be well worth it, but it's just an added bonus. Maybe, if by some miracle I'm allowed into heaven I can watch my boy grow into the man he should be. I am not the mother that Mirai Trunks had. Nor will I ever be. I just hope that my Trunks turns out as well with his father raising him.   
  
That would be just like Vegeta to mess up Trunk's life just to hurt me. I wouldn't put it passed him. But, however he will be raised, even with Vegeta is ten times better than if I raised him. I would destroy him. I can't bear that, despite any other emotional pain I have been forced to endure in my life, I could not bear his disappointment in me. I had to do this; it was my only option.   
  
  
***********************************************  
  
All I ever wanted out of you was  
something you could never be  
Now take a real good look at  
What you've fucking done to me  
  
What the hell - did I - do to deserve - all of this?  
  
**********************************************  
  
  
It wasn't always this way. I had hope once. I think we're all born with hope, and love, I just lost mine a long time ago. That's the only reason I was looking for a boyfriend on my dragon ball hunt as a child, because I had given up hope in finding someone outside of magic. Well I did, I found Vegeta, or more he found me. I don't even remember how we got together, I try not to dwell in the past…but I do remember that he gave me my hope back. He was my shining star, my ladder to hang on to for safety.  
  
That image was quickly shattered. I guess I expected too much of him. He didn't change. Sure his words weren't as cruel, and some of the venom had left his viper like tongue…but the hate and malice were still there. I kept telling myself that he only needed time, time to heal everything he had gone through and learn to be happy with Trunk's and I. I learned the hard way that I cannot wait for him any longer. Five years is a long damn time to wait for the love I've been missing for twenty-six years.   
  
I gave him everything until I had nothing left to give, and still I gave. I never took; I asked but never took what he wasn't willing to give. That changed once Trunk's turned one. I figured if he hadn't changed by then, he never would. I was right. At least he won't in my lifetime. I slowly hardened myself, inside and out against everything he threw at me. I guess he figured I was used to him because I stopped crying when he would insult Trunks, or me. It was quite the opposite; I just stopped caring period.   
  
I could never force myself to care again. It hurts too much to care, and if Vegeta cares anything about me, he will find out exactly how much it hurts to care. I awaken from my thoughts to find that I have yet to leave my room. I shake my head before walking out of my room and heading towards my lab. I might as well get a few things in order first. I punched in the code that would allow me access to my life for the past thirty years or so.   
  
A simple code really. Eight, fifteen, sixteen, five. If you took which letter in the alphabet they stand for it spells, H…O…P…E… Something I lost but dreamed to find in my inventions. I never did, so the code served as nothing but a constant reminder of my failure. But, I deserve to remember what a failure I had become; it only made my job easier. The first step, would be my will. I had to draw it up myself, I couldn't have anyone become suspicious and try to stop me.   
  
I only required a lawyer and two witnesses. I could easily grab two unsuspecting people off the streets and have them sign as witnesses, they weren't the problem. The problem was where was I going to find a lawyer that wouldn't love to turn my story over to the tabloids? 'Bulma Briefs Draws Up Will, In Secret Meeting.' Yes I could see it now; it was something I did not look forward too. I would just go to the lowest, most honest fool on the ladder I could find. Someone that still believed in hard work and the system. A fresh graduate perhaps.   
  
  
**************************************  
  
Gimme any reason why I'd need you, boy  
Gimme any reason not to fuck you up  
Gimme any reason why I'd need you, bitch  
Gimme any reason not to fuck you up  
  
**************************************  
  
  
By the time that I had finished hunting down a lawyer, drawing up the will and purchasing the gun, three weeks had passed since I first decided to kill myself. To say that I was having doubts would have been an understatement. I was thoroughly convinced that if Vegeta did just one nice thing to either Trunks or I in the next few days I would call the whole thing off. And a part of me pleaded with him every time I set eyes on him, to just compliment my food, or my hair, or say how proud he is of Trunks. Even just looking like he cared would have worked for me. Anything.   
  
I waited and I waited and I waited. Nothing, for two days, not one kind word, or even one look of appreciation. This only steeled my resolved to go ahead with my plan. My doubts were quickly fading. My wall had rebuilt itself and ten times stronger. Nothing was going to stop me now. I would do it on Friday. I thought looking at my calendar, while sitting back in my chair in my lab. Today was Tuesday; yes Friday would be perfect. I wasn't even going to say goodbye to anyone. I didn't want to tip anyone off that something was wrong.   
  
"Woman." Vegeta's voice interrupted my whirling mind. I looked over at him, not trying to hide the fact that I was pissed at the interruption.  
  
"What?" I growled.  
  
"The gravity room is broken."  
  
"Mmmhmm." I said returning my gaze to the papers on my desk. "And what did you want me to do about that?"  
  
"Fix it." He said it like it was the most obvious answer in the world.   
  
"Why?" I asked.  
  
"Because…I am…"  
  
"The Saiyan Prince who deserves respect…yadda yadda yadda. Tell me something I don't know." I said still not turning to face him. He sputtered like the fool he was.   
  
"Because woman, you made it, so you fix it."  
  
"Uh, uh. You broke it, so you fix it." I said with a smile. He marched over to my desk and spun me around in my chair. He lifted me by my neck effortlessly. I remained calm, for once. It's truly amazing how unafraid you become when you plan to kill yourself anyway. Vegeta's resolve slipped a bit when he saw that I wasn't scared.   
  
"Fix it, now." He growled instead. I shook my head, or tried to anyway.  
  
"No way in hell." I whispered, seeing in how it was all I could do with his death grip on my neck.   
  
"Well someone has grown a pair." He snarled. I snarled right back.  
  
"Nothing I haven't had all along." I sneered. He snorted and dropped me.  
  
"Right woman, whatever you say. Just have it fixed by morning." I did. I fixed it later after dinner, just like he knew I would. I should have just refused him, but…I didn't want him mad at me, and have him taking off for months at a time. I was doing it Friday; nothing was going to stop me. Besides, I had to stick to my routine, and my routine included bending to that jerks every whim.  
  
  
**************************************   
  
I see you in me  
  
I keep my scars from prying eyes  
Incapable of ever knowing why  
Somebody breathe, I've got to have an answer  
  
******************************************  
  
  
Unfortunately I forgot that tomorrow was the get together we had planned with the whole Z gang. I sighed from my spot in my bed. It was approaching midnight, but I could not sleep. Vegeta lay next to me, sound asleep and dreaming of whatever he dreams about every night. Three more days…well two more. I amended after looking at my clock. It read 12:05 AM. It was Wednesday, technically.   
  
I couldn't wait until Friday. If I could make it through today, I was home free. Not that I feared that I wouldn't; I had this act down tight. I should, I've only been doing it for close to a year and half now. I was a pro at hiding my feelings, and appearing happy. I wouldn't have to pretend too hard this time, I truly was happy because I was so close to my goal.   
  
The next thing I remember is Vegeta shaking me awake about seven hours later. Damn Saiyan, I was in the middle of a very nice dream. Everything had gone to plan and I was watching Vegeta cry his eyes out over me. Yes, a very nice dream indeed. "What do you want?" I growled, still not a morning person.   
  
"It's time to wake up. The idiots are coming over, soon." Even after everything they've been through together, Vegeta still insisted on insulting my friends. Well, old friends, I don't know who they were to me either. It just annoyed the hell out of me that Vegeta felt he could insult whomever he wanted. I growled again. "Hey, don't look at me like that. You're the one who invited them over, woman."   
  
"No I didn't." I scowled. I wouldn't be that stupid. Gathering everyone for a picnic two days before I did it? No way. It was Chi Chi's idea, she felt that we were all drifting apart after Cell. "It was Chi Chi's idea." I maintained. He snorted.  
  
"Same difference. Get up, I want my breakfast."  
  
"Have my mother make it. I have a lot of things to do, and making you breakfast is not on my list of things to do today."   
  
"They left a few hours ago woman." He growled. I was confused until I remembered that this was the day they left for their science convention halfway across the country. It was why I had chosen this Friday. Dad would be in the middle of one of his seminars by then, and mom would be busy shopping or at the spa, both too busy to worry with calling and checking up on me.   
  
The party was in full swing nearly six hours after Vegeta literally pulled me out of bed so that I would make his breakfast. "Damn jerk." I mumbled to myself.  
  
"What was that?" Chi Chi asked me. I shook my head.  
  
"Nothing, nevermind." Chi Chi nodded, still not believing me. Oh, well, I could just chalk it up to annoying men. Chi Chi wouldn't argue with me on that one, seeing in how her husband and Vegeta were out sparring with each other during what was supposed to be a time off to relax. Chi Chi continued to prattle on and on about whatever it was she was talking about. I just nodded and said "uh huh" every so often. I checked my watch, it was only about 1:00 PM, they wouldn't start to leave for another five hours, and even then, most would stay longer.   
  
Why did I have to agree to this right now? I was in no mood to be socializing and making with the happy face. I just wanted to crawl into my bed and sleep forever. Great…I thought with a growl, the depression and utter despair had sunk in early. I turned to Chi Chi who had long since stopped talking and was starring at me in concern. "Are you okay?" she asked me; I could easily see the pity on her face. I didn't want pity damn it!  
  
"I'm fine, Chi, I just have this major headache, and his highness didn't help it very much this morning. Really, that's all it is." Chi Chi still looked at me warily but she seemed to buy it.   
  
"Okay, I know how annoying those Saiyan men can be sometimes." She said with a laugh. I only joined in, realizing I had better start acting happier. I couldn't chance any more slip ups, like I just had with Chi Chi. The next few hours seemed to blur together into one big headache. I had lied earlier to Chi Chi, when I told her my head hurt, but now it was no lie. All the smiling, laughing, and…just plan happiness was driving me insane. Kurrian and his family had left about an hour ago. Yamcha, Puar, Tien, Chotsu, Oolong, and Master Roshi had just left a few minutes ago. It was just the Sons, Piccolo and my family left.   
  
Another hour later, Piccolo finally decided he had enough and took Gohan with him. Trunks and Goten were still packing everything that Trunk's would need for his little excursion he had planed. Well, in reality I had put the idea in his head. I wanted him far away when I did it, so I had convinced Chi Chi into letting the two boys spend some time with Goku, camping or something of the sort. It didn't matter to me what it was as long as it kept them out of the house.   
  
"I'm ready mommy, can we leave now? We want to go get our spot set up!" Trunks said eagerly. I smiled down at him. I never had to fake my happiness when he was around. I picked him up and hugged him tightly, knowing that it would be my last time doing it…ever.  
  
"Of course dear. Come, let us go say goodbye to everyone, then you can leave." I carried him over to where Goku and Vegeta were. They had just gotten in from training, and both were smirking. I shook my head. Saiyans…I would never understand them. "Hey Goku, Trunks and Goten are eager to leave, I can't hold out on these two ever." It was the truth, there was nothing I wouldn't give them.   
  
"Sure." Goku said with a smile. I put Trunks down and hugged Goku quickly.   
  
"Thanks for doing this on such short notice. Trunk's has been wanting to do this for awhile now."  
  
"No problem Bulma. I'm happy to do it. Come on boys, let's go." They didn't need to be told twice, they bolted out the door, loaded up and ready to camp. They immediately took off for their favorite spot, Goku quickly trailing him. I turned to see Chi Chi scowling.   
  
"Stupid husband, leaving me here alone." I laughed, it was a very Goku like thing to do, go off and leave his wife stranded with no way of getting home.  
  
"Don't worry. Vegeta will take you home, won't you Vegeta?" I glare at him, daring him to say no. He growls, but sighs anyway.   
  
"Fine, but you owe me woman." Chi Chi doesn't look too happy with the arrangement either. I smile at her.  
  
"Go, don't worry, everything will be fine." She nods and hugs me quickly before Vegeta scoops her up and flies her back to her house in the mountains.   
  
  
*********************************************  
Why am I so fascinated by  
bigger pictures, better things  
But I don't care what you think  
You'll never understand me  
  
What the hell - did I - do to deserve - all of this?  
FUCK!!!  
  
***************************************************  
  
  
I'm alone. I realize with a smile. Forget Friday, I would never get a better chance than this. I race to my lab and quickly punch in the code. Once the door slides open, I run in and immediately go to my secret hiding place. Childish, yes, but its served its purpose many times. I push my desk back the few feet I needed, and raise the floorboards under the desk. I pull out the small brown box that is sitting in the hole between the ground and the floorboards.   
  
Opening the box, I remove my will, and the gun. I check the chamber and sure enough, it's still loaded. Not that I thought it wasn't going to be. I look at the gun and am surprised to find that my hands are shaking. "Now is not the time to loose your nerve girl!" I scolded myself. I put the floorboards back and pushed the desk back to its rightful place. I left the lab, turning around looking into the place that was my home for so long.  
  
Sitting on a table were several inventions I never finished. One was an enhanced dragon radar, another a new capsule model, that held the newest air car. And finally, my pride and joy, my baby. My newest advancement in home security sat on the table, unfinished and calling out to me. It was a new type of gun that shot a force field bubble that would disable the person hit with it, from moving. There was also another setting that would allow it to block anything from entering.   
  
Of course, the evil ways that it could be used was enormous, so before I even thought of releasing it on the market, I was working on a self distruct code. All the cops would have to do, is call in the skew number and I could type it in, and control what the gun did. But then again, getting the number would be hard, near impossible in a lot of situations, so I was currently working on the solution to the problem.   
  
It looked like I would never finish it. Oh well, my father was smart, he could figure it out. I had wasted too much time here already. Vegeta was probably on his way back here now. I had decided to do it in our room. I don't know why, it just seemed fitting. I quickly closed the door to my lab, and with one last longing gaze at the door, I hurried to our bedroom.   
  
Setting the will on the desk that I had in our room, I turn and sat on the bed. I closed my eyes and opened our bond again. Not prepared for the rush of emotions that I felt after closing the link for so long, I would have stumbled had I not already been sitting down. I felt Vegeta clearer than I had ever felt him. He was on his way back from Chi Chi's. I knew he would be here soon. I felt his confusion at being able to feel me again, and his panic that something would happen. I felt his dread and his apprehension at what he might find upon arriving back home.  
  
I smiled, and closed my eyes, allowing the tears to fall. ::Good bye Vegeta:: I whispered through our bond, placing the gun to my chest and pulling the trigger before I lost the nerve. The pain I felt then, was more intense than anything I had felt in the past few years combined. The panic and raw pain that flew through our bond was not fake. I truly felt everything I sent him.  
  
::Woman! Bulma!:: I heard him scream frantically in our minds. I knew that he knew what I was doing. He felt it the moment the bullet entered my body. ::Oh Kami, what have I done?:: I sent back to him. My doubts that had been there since day one, were amplified a thousand times. Before I could collapse back onto the bed, Vegeta was in our room, busting through the French doors on the balcony. He caught me, and cradled me in his arms, sitting on the bed. I coughed, I could feel the blood that was collecting in the back of my throat.  
  
"Bulma," he sobbed. "No, what did you do silly woman?" he said quietly. I looked up at him in shock. I could feel everything that he had felt for me. The love, everything. Why had he hidden it? He must have heard my unspoken question because he held me closer. "Bulma, I'm sorry, I should have told you. Don't leave me, I will tell you every day what I have felt for three years." I gasped and the tears that I had been trying to hold back flowed freely. I began to gasp for air, as I felt the blood filling my lungs.  
  
"I'm…sorry." I managed to gasp out. "Take…care…Trunks." Was all I managed to say before I was filled with an overwhelming sense of calm and peace. Everything started to fade and Vegeta's horrified face was the last image ingrained into my mind before I slipped out of this life and fell limp in his arms.   
  
  
  
AN: TBC! In the next and final part of this song fic trilogy: it's fifteen years after Bulma's suicide. How does Trunks feel about all of it looking back? What kind of man did he grow into? Did Vegeta keep his promise to take care of the boy? All that and more answered in the next chapter of "Beloved!"  
  
  
THANKS:  
  
Sailor Nova: As always your review made me laugh! Thanks and I hoped that you enjoyed this chapter!  
  
Cloud: Well, I kept up the work and here is the next chapter! You like?  
  
Luna Dragon: Well, here it is, the next chapter. Thanks for reviewing. 


	3. Moving On

Beloved  
  
AN: Hey! It's time for the third and final songfic in this trilogy. I don't know if you knew why I picked the songs I did or not. But I picked them not only for their lyrics but also for the way the song was sung, played and generally put together. They help to set the mood for each chapter. So if it's at all possible, you should try to listen to the songs while reading or before, whatever. ::shrugs:: Kinda late telling you this, gomen.  
  
Warnings: None really. Just an upset teenage boy, missing his mother. Trunks POV, but I'm sure that you could have guessed that.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ, nor do I own the song "Bother" by Stone Sour (Corey Taylor). It's really a great song; you should try to listen to it sometime.  
  
Thanks:  
  
**Aivame:**I hope that you are just as excited now as you were then! Sorry bout the nightmares…hehe I didn't meant to do that ::evil smirk::  
  
**LunaDragon:**I guess I do. Angst is the best…^_^ Glad to invoke such emotions in you! My mission is complete! Well, it will be after this chapter.  
  
**Onna, tay-chan:**I'm glad that I caused some emotion in ya! Hope that you like this chapter as much as the first two!  
  
Chapter Three: Moving On  
  
I flew home from school with a lot on my mind. I was in my second year of college at Satan City University. I really rather have not gone to school and focused solely on my training. I already help run the richest company in the world. It's not as if my job security is unstable, seeing in how my grandfather owns the company. But my tousan would hear none of that. He forced me to finish high school and enroll in college.  
  
If anyone knew my tousan, they would find that absolutely hilarious. That the Saiya-jin no Ouji was forcing his heir to go to school and slack off on his training. Not that he allowed me to do that either. I wish he would just make up his mind. Either make me go to that ridiculous hell hole they call school, or let me train. Doing both was exhausting me to the point of collapse almost every night. But, my tousan was a perfectionist.  
  
My grandfather didn't make it any easier. When I went to him for help, he agreed with tousan! He said that if he were going to entrust the company into my hands, he wanted business smart hands to place it in. I already know so much from him. He's taught me about the company and how to run things since I was in grade school. I rolled my eyes at him and received a slap from my tousan for it.  
  
"Don't roll your eyes at your grandfather." He said in the gruff way that only he could. I sighed mid-flight. He wasn't always like that. I can barely remember, but there was a time when my heart would swell up whenever he looked at me, or talked to me. Now, I try to find ways to avoid him. I feel smothered whenever he is near. Not that I can blame him. Kaasan died when I was real young, and now he has to fill both shoes. Hers and his.  
  
I don't much remember what she was like. I do remember the day my tousan took me to her grave, I told her that I would never forget her and that I would learn to speak well for her. I placed her favorite flower on her grave and left in tousan's arms. From that picture everyone thinks that life must of run smoothly for us. It couldn't have been farther from the truth. It was rough. Tousan and I struggled. We fought constantly the first few months. I didn't understand what had happened to her, and he wouldn't explain.  
  
I went to all of the Z senshi; none of them said anything except "That's for your tousan to explain Trunks." Argh! I screamed in my mind. Why did life have to be so frustrating? I picked up my speed, flying twice as fast as I had been moments ago. I had eventually found out what happened to her. When I was ten, my tousan came to my room one day when I was doing homework or something of the like and told me that we had to talk. After he explained that she had killed her self, and why he thought she did, I just stared at him open mouth.  
  
It was all his fault! How could he have not told kaasan that he loved her!? He claimed her as his mate for Dende's sake! How could she have doubted him…? Life is a bitch; that was definitely true in my case. My tousan is halfway insane with grief and my kaasan is dead all because of my parent's prides. All because they were more stubborn than Goku when it came to killing "innocent" villains.  
  
*****************************   
_Wish I was too dead to cry   
A self-afflictioned face   
Stones to throw at my creator   
Masochist to which I cater_  
*****************************   
  
But now…now I was in even more of a rage than I was back then; back when I finally learned the truth of my kaasan's demise. It all came down to six little words; my Japanese teacher is the devil. Each simple in their own regards, but combine them into that sentence I end up with one huge mess deep within a pile of shit. Mayia-san…that name should strike terror into any students heart.  
  
The name of some bitter old hag, who hates this world and everyone in it. I should stop rambling…it all boils down to one thing, an essay that we are being _forced_ to write. The question: How has your kaasan influenced your life? Explain in detail how we can all learn from our kaasans and how/what you learned from yours?  
  
The problem is quite obvious…my kaasan is dead! I tried telling her as much without bursting into tears on the spot but…that bitch! She is making me do it anyway. Now I have to write an essay on how her _not_ being here has affected my life! I'm being forced to dredge up memories that I would rather keep buried deep within the cold appendage formally known as my heart.  
  
Just thinking about this assignment stirs the blood in my veins. I can feel my body literally and figuratively boiling itself alive. I use that anger to propel myself back home in record time. I land on the Capsule Corp., grass non-too gently. I search for my father's ki and I find it in the gravity room, as if he'd be anywhere else. I think to my self rather acrimoniously. I am too angry to face him right now, so I storm directly into the house and move to the kitchen.  
  
Downing nearly a pitcher of freezing water, I try to stop my body from burning. I feel my head but I can't tell if I have a fever or not since my entire body, hands included are ablaze. The anger combined with adrenaline is not helping my nerves any. Perhaps a good spar is in order. If I'm going to do this assignment, I'm going to need a clear head, something I don't have the luxury of at the moment. Yes, a spar with tousan is exactly what I need right now.  
  
*******************************   
_You don't need to bother   
I don't need to be   
I'll keep slipping farther   
But once I hold on   
I won't let go till it bleeds_  
******************************   
  
I burst into the gravity room not even bothering to knock. I didn't worry about turning the gravity off before I entered; my tousan was currently training at 450g's, something that I could handle easily. As soon as I entered the room, I immediately powered up to Super Saiyan and began my assault on my tousan.  
  
"Brat? What the hell?" my tousan called out blocking my furious punches. I didn't answer him. I couldn't. My anger was too great that I could do nothing more than fight and cry.  
  
"Take that, bitch! Stupid bitter old hag! See if you're so obstinate after I do a Burning Attack and fry your sorry ass! I hate you!" I continued to scream obscenities into the room, my fighting becoming weak and sloppy. It was more venting then anything else. I hated myself for crying. I hated myself even more for allowing my tousan to see this weakness. When I could take it no more I simply collapsed to my knees, my hands falling limp at my sides.  
  
"Trunks…" tousan said quietly. I felt him kneel beside me, I couldn't see past my rage now turned sorrow and self-pity. The tears wouldn't stop. I had to make them stop, I am not weak!  
  
"Gomen, tousan…I can't stop. Gomen for being so weak…" that did it. Whatever had been held in check was now a flood being set loose from a dam. There were no more leaks, the wall had been torn down and I was falling into darkness. Then, surprisingly my tousan enveloped me into a tight embrace. He pulled my head to his chest; he was sitting back on his haunches, while I was still kneeling straight up.  
  
"Shhh, Trunks. You aren't weak." He whispered in my ear. My once limp hands soon found themselves wrapped around his waist. I buried my head into his chest and let loose several loud sobs. "What happened to you, Trunks?" He asked gently. I couldn't answer just yet, and he didn't push me. He just sat there for untold hours listening to my sobs and rocking me back and forth as if I was nothing but a child.  
  
***************************   
_Wish I was too dead to care   
If indeed I cared at all   
Never had a voice to protest   
So you fed me shit to digest_  
**************************   
  
Finally, I was able to drag myself together and I pulled away from my tousan. I slowly rose to my feet, my tousan following my movements with his eyes. As I was about to leave I felt him grab my wrist. I stopped and turned my eyes to his hand that was delaying my leaving. He stood and looked me in the eyes.  
  
"Where are you going?" He asked, his hand still clenching my wrist.  
  
"I have work to do." I answered.  
  
"Don't shut yourself off from me, damnit! I want to know what the hell caused you to burst in here and act like a maniac who's never fought a day in his life!" Tousan shouted, his grip on my wrist tightening.  
  
" I don't need to shut myself off from you…you took care of that for me." With that I wrenched my wrist from his hand and stormed out of the gravity room. I didn't bother to look back but I knew that I had hurt him with that last comment. I knew that he tried as hard as he could, but…I sighed deeply. I couldn't help it. I wanted a father, a friend, and a comrade. Instead, I was graced with a prince, an ego and a commander.  
  
Stalking into the house, I headed straight for kaasan's personal lab. I figured that if I wanted to get this project done I might as well start now and where else would be better than her own lab? I had found out the code one day when I was snooping around her and tousan's room. I had found her diary right where she always kept it. I felt like such a creep for reading it, but I had found it just after tousan told me what had happened and I wanted to know why.  
  
I hoped that her diary would hold these answers. They didn't. However, they did contain the secret code to her personal lab. I had been too afraid to go in at the time, I had felt like I was dishonoring her memory by trespassing, but now, I didn't really have a choice. Besides, I thought bitterly, she was dead, what would she know if I went into her lab?  
  
Punching in the numbers, I pressed the button that would allow me to catch a glimpse into the heart and soul of my now deceased kaasan. Stepping into the lab I switched on the lights and blinked a few times, allowing my eyes to adjust to the change in light. Instead of the normal 60-watt lighting that was the rest of Capsule Corp., kaasan had used giant fluorescent lights for her lab. Closing and locking the door behind me, I moved to the center of the room and looked all around me.  
  
*********************************   
_I wish I had a reason   
My flaws are open-seasoned   
For this I gave up trying   
One good turn deserves my time_  
*********************************   
  
Something caught my Saiyan eyes on my pass around the room. At the floor of her desk, I saw a wear path. As if someone constantly or frequently moved the desk in a pivot motion, this could be interesting. Walking over to her desk, I looked on all sides before deciding that it was man power alone that moved the desk. Bracing my legs, I heaved the desk aside. I was shocked to find nothing but floor boards under the desk.  
  
"This is normal…" I said aloud, quite confused. Kaasan really had no reason to keep moving the desk unless there was something kept under there. However, I didn't see anything. Upon closer inspection, I discovered a few boards that were discolored, a slightly different shade then the rest of them. I smirked to myself and shook my head. "Clever girl." Bending down, I yanked the boards up, and fell onto my arse.  
  
They weren't nailed down and I had used as much force as if they had been. Rubbing my sore behind, I knelt down next to the opening in the floor. There was a small brown box sitting in the hole, and nothing else. Curiously, I picked the box up and examined it before opening the lid. It was rather old, an antique some would say. There was an intricate design on the lid that looked hand-carved. It was obviously very special to kaasan, because she felt the need to hide it…  
  
"…Or what is in it." I said with a smile. Setting the box down on the floor I opened the lid and peered inside. There was a lot inside considering it's small size. The first thing that my fingers found was a gold locket necklace. Pulling the chain up so that the locket was eye level, I opened the clasp holding the locket closed. Inside on the right side was a picture of my tousan. It was one of those rare pictures where someone had gotten him to smile. Well, it was more of an amused smirk, and it brought a smirk of my own to my face. That was just like tousan to do something like that. The picture on the right was a group shot of kaasan, tousan and me, not too long before she killed herself.  
  
"We looked happy…" I said, feeling my eyes well up. Closing the locket and placing it to the side, I tried to avert my thoughts from any of the "what if" nature. I would not survive this essay research if I didn't start to approach this apathetically. Reaching my hand back into the box, next I pulled up a mini photo album. Quickly scanning the book, I was about to put it aside as well when a certain picture caught my eye.  
  
There, as plain as the fact that I am a Super Saiyan was a picture of my parents immersed in a tight embrace, lips locked and eyes closed to the world around them. It was obvious that neither knew that the picture had been taken, as they were too wrapped up in themselves…but the picture brought hope to my heart, as I'm sure it did to my kaasan's as well. So this is why kaasan hid this album. I thought to myself quickly examining the rest of the photos, yet, no more spiked my curiosity and were worth a more scrutinizing look.  
  
**************************   
_You don't need to bother   
I don't need to be   
I'll keep slipping farther   
But once I hold on   
I won't let go till it bleeds_  
***************************   
  
Placing the album in my growing pile of memories, I reached into the box and withdrew one of the few remaining items. A stack of papers was soon lifted from the box, most were drawings that I had done when I was younger, drawings of us as a family. Setting them aside, I peered into the box for one last look. Thinking that I had found everything, and that my trip was wasted, I was about to put everything back when something caught my eye. It was a tiny capsule. That there was a capsule in a Capsule Corp. lab did not surprise me, what did was that I did not recognize the coding that was on it.  
  
Furrowing my eyebrows I examined the coding more carefully and decided that I still did not know what it was. Since I had never seen it before; and I'm sure no one else had either; I concluded that whatever kaasan had inside was small enough to fit into her lab. I then pressed the deploy button and threw it a few feet away from me. The familiar puff of smoke that followed soon clouded the room. Once the cloud was gone, and I looked at what the mysterious capsule had held I about fell on my arse from shock.  
  
It was a version of the time machine that my future self had had! Why would kaasan need this? Goku defeated the androids…well Gohan did, but that wasn't the point. There were no more threats, why did she feel the need to build this? Unless it was made before the androids, in case that Goku didn't make a difference. But in that case what would? Kaasan said that she had wanted to kill Gero before he released the androids, was this her plan in case her future self's failed?  
  
"I guess we'll never know…" I trailed off staring amazed at the yellow dome like structure standing before me. Walking up to it, I began to inspect it, seeing if everything were in order. Right above the words Capsule Corp. were the numbers, eight, fifteen, sixteen, and five. The code to her lab! She must have really lost hope if she did this… I couldn't help but allow a few tears to fall from my sky blue eyes.  
  
"No we never will." A voice from behind me said. I turned; startled at the voice. There was my tousan, standing behind me, his eyes roaming around the room, first landing on the open floorboards and tiny box, then to the time machine and me. The door to the lab was wide open, as if it had never been locked.  
  
"How did you get in here?" I asked. He smirked.  
  
"You weren't the only one who wanted answers brat." He said walking slowly over to the pile of items that had been in the box. Bending and picking up the photo album, he began to flip through the pages. He was even smiling at some! It was like I wasn't even there, and to some degree, I don't think I was. He was too lost in his memories to notice me. When he reached the picture of him and kaasan kissing, I was sure he would have burned it on the spot.  
  
"I told her that I saw a flash." He said instead.  
  
"What? You knew?" I asked incredulously.  
  
"Of course brat. I wasn't born yesterday. I am the Saiyan no Ouji, Kakkarot could not sneak his way out of a wet paper bag, let alone catch _me_ unawares!" He said smirking. I shook my head at his words. Would he never change? "Are you going to tell me what that was about earlier or I do have to beat it out of you?" He asked glaring at me once he had finished with the album.  
  
*****************************   
_Wish I'd died instead of lived   
A zombie hides my face   
Shelf forgotten with its memories   
Diary's left with cryptic entries_  
****************************   
  
"I…I don't know where to start." I said bowing my head in shame. Tousan walked up to me and cupped his hand under my chin.  
  
"Try the beginning." He said softly, no sarcasm or malice in his voice whatsoever. This shocked me more than anything. Who was this man standing before me? Surely he was not the man that I knew as tousan. I nodded, having no other option really. Anger, hate, pride, I could deal with those sides of him, but this side, this almost caring side startled me to the point that I wasn't sure if it wasn't some trick. He sat patiently on kaasan's desk, waiting for me to start.  
  
"Well…" I started of slowly. "I don't know if you are aware of this or not…but I've never gotten over kaasan's death. I still blame both her and you for it, and well…" I glanced up to look at him. There was only a slight nod, indicating that he understood what I was saying. Feeling reassured I continued my story, walking over to stand in front of the time machine I traced my fingers over the numbers on the machine, I sighed softly.  
  
"Anyway, as you know I begrudgingly attend hell every day. My Japanese teacher, is well, the devil. There are no other words for that maniac that calls her self sensei. She came up with a _great_ idea about writing about our kaasans. After explaining my situation, she changed my assignment a bit. Instead of talking about how life was _with_ her I now have to tell how much of a hell it has been _without_ her." I stopped and turned to face tousan. I saw understanding pass through his obsidian eyes.  
  
"And you have yet to deal with what happened all those years ago, and this 'assignment' is forcing the issue." He said softly. I nodded and scowled.  
  
"I really would rather forget her and that time in my life…"  
  
"You can't!" My tousan screamed at me. His outburst was so impassioned that I took a step back, glancing warily at the man before me. "You can't ignore what happened Trunks, just as I can't. Do you remember that day that I took you to see her?" at my nod he continued, "Before than, I too refused to deal with it. I shut myself in the gravity room and refused to emerge. The entire time I was fighting myself over whether or not I should put my anger behind me and see her again."  
  
"You did, you got over it…" I whispered.  
  
"Not quite, I realized that if I didn't see her, even her grave, if I didn't try and move on, to mourn and grow then I would never get past the rage. I realized that when I saw you everyday, I couldn't stay angry forever…or otherwise you would become just like me. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I always fail. I failed my father, my race, my mate and now I'm failing my son." He shook his head and turned to leave.  
  
***********************************   
_You don't need to bother   
I don't need to be (I don't need to be)   
I'll keep slipping farther   
But once I hold on   
I won't let go till it bleeds_  
**********************************   
  
"Wait!" I called out to him. "You didn't fail me! Not yet…" I finished in a whisper.  
  
"It's not too late? I haven't shut you out completely?" I winced at his reply.  
  
"Gomen…I didn't mean to hurt you so much…I just…" I sighed, "I just needed space and a punching bag. Gomen nasi." I swear that I felt his smirk from where I was.  
  
"As long as you know that I can still pound your ass in the gravity room, all is forgiven." I smirked as well; tousan was back, my real one. Not the one that had been walking around in a comatose like state for fifteen years, the one that I had prayed would notice me. I just knew everything would be better from here on out.  
  
"Well I think I'll have to call your bluff then won't I?" He chuckled.  
  
"Anytime, anyplace, son." I gasped…I believe that this was the first time that I had ever heard him call me his son…that I could remember anyway. He smirked again and then headed out of the room. "I'll leave you to wrap things up with your kaasan."  
  
I smiled at his retreating back. Knowing it or not, and I'm sure that he did; he had just helped me immensely. I had finally decided how I was going to write this. Walking over to the pile of items on the floor, I began to pack them back into the box. First, I recapsulated the time machine, and threw it into the box. Picking up the gold locket, I was about to return it to its former location when something stopped me. I shook my head and slipped the necklace around my neck, tucking it under my shirt. Because of the size of the chain, the locket fell to about where my heart was. Taking the album, I closed the box and replaced the floorboards. Moving the desk back into place, I began to exit the room. Closing and locking the door behind me, I headed upstairs to write my paper.  
  
Passing tousan's room, I dropped the album off, leaving it on his night stand, along with the short message:  
  
_Tousan:_  
  
_Thought you may want to hang onto this. Let me know if you want some framed…I especially like the one in the back…flash or no. ::smirk::_  
  
_Trunks_  
  
Leaving the room with a smirk plastered on my face, I walked to the next room, shut, and locked the door. Moving to sit at my desk designed for such activities as I was about to engage in, I pulled the chair and plopped down. Pulling out my notebook, I booted it up, and opened the little icon that would change the rest of my life.  
  
*************************************   
_You don't need to bother   
I don't need to be (I don't need to be)   
I'll keep slipping farther   
And once I hold on   
I'll never live down my deceit_  
*************************************   
  
Cracking my knuckles one last time, I set to it, my fingers flying a mile a minute. Surprisingly it took only three hours to complete. Reading over it one last time, I smiled. Searching on my desk for a moment, I found what I had been looking for. A small envelope. Folding the letter neatly, I placed it in the envelope. Sealing it and adding a few pieces of tape for good measure, I turned it over and neatly printed on the front…_Kaasan_.  
  
Turning back to my notebook and deleting the file, I smiled my first true smile since kaasan's death. Opening a new page, I began to type. After about twenty minutes, my printer was going again. Taking the papers out of the slot, and straightening them, I stapled them together. Smiling, I stretched my arms over my head and leaned back on my chair. I hadn't felt this good since…I couldn't remember the last time I felt this good. Smiling I left the room to grab a midnight snack, my stomach grumbling at even the thought of the delicious meal I was about to prepare.  
  
***3rd person***  
  
Sitting on his desk, left behind in his haste for food was his essay for class. A light breeze soon swam through his open French balcony doors. The pale blue curtains that were left untied billowed into the room. The breeze soon intensified blowing his paper off his desk. A pale, slim hand reached down and picked up the forgotten paper. Bringing the paper up so that the figures eyes could read the heart felt words, the figure felt a smile tugging at the corner of their lips.  
  
_I am supposed to be explaining to you (Mayiya-san) how much of a hell my life has been without my kaasan around. I'm afraid that is not what this paper will be about. Please, don't throw this away just yet. All I ask is that you read it in its entirety with an open mind. I can assure you that the grade that I receive on this assignment matters naught._  
  
_Almost fifteen years ago to the day, my kaasan died. How and why she died is very personal and I am not prepared to announce it publicly. I have yet to come to terms with it in my own heart. Perhaps I should start at the beginning. My kaasan was Bulma Briefs, the brightest, most beautiful woman on this planet. I loved her with all of my heart and soul. She meant more to me than anything ever will._  
  
_One day, when I was young, my happiness abruptly ended. There was no more light in my tunnel. My world had turned dark. I was soon surrounded by either pent up anger, veiled hate, or smothering love. Looking back on it now, I'm shocked that I didn't snap under all of the pressure and blow up at everyone around me. No…I held it together. Dende only knows why._  
  
_It was in fact this assignment that finally broke all of my self-control. I was forced to deal with issues that I hadn't gotten over, issues that I wanted to forget for the rest of my life. I felt my world crashing around me. My perfectly controlled, normal life wasn't so perfect and controlled anymore. My emotions that I had kept buried for fifteen long years finally broke free of my mental wall and were reeking havoc on my mind, heart, and soul._  
  
_Everything bad that had ever happened to me accumulated into one large pile of shit. One large pile of steaming shit that was heaped onto my already large burden. I felt as if the world was on my shoulders and I had no one to help carry the wait. My sturdy frame, my entire piece of mind, gone, shattered into tiny little shards._  
  
_However, all was not lost. My new light, my new rock came from an unlikely place. My tousan. You may think it horrible that he was not my light or rock in the first place, but if you knew my tousan than you would understand. He has a lot of pride, as do I. Kaasan's death about killed him. He couldn't deal with it any better than me. However he forced himself too, and for that he is the better man._  
  
_I've carried a lot of hate and anger in me. Most of it directed towards my tousan. But now, I can finally admit that he was always the better of us, and I don't deserve him. He loves kaasan and me. Dead, alive, or annoying. He's put up with a lot of shit, most of it my doing, and I respect him for that. He helped me to move on as well, to put her death behind me._  
  
_So in a way, I thank you for this assignment. And although, I may not be writing how you had hoped I would, I still want to thank you. Without it, I'm not sure when or if my tousan and I would have patched things up. We now have a certain understanding of each other. The understanding of a warrior with immense pride, who has lost a loved one. We, as warriors will continue to fight the good fight._  
  
_In conclusion, I would like to inform you that this was not my original essay. I wrote another version of this, however no one but my kaasan and I are privileged to read the contents of that envelope. I will place it on her grave first thing in the morning, along with her favorite flowers. That is all I have to say, except, kaasan, I miss you, and I know that you await our reunion in heaven._  
  
Tears fell from the angels eyes and she read the essay that her son had written. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever read. She smiled through her tears and set the paper back on the desk.  
  
I just knew you would be all right my son." She said in a whisper. "I will await you in the morning at my place of rest…goodbye for now my son. We will meet again in heaven."  
  
  
THE END!!!  
  
So? What did you guys think? Did I make you cry? In anger? In sadness? In happiness? Did I make you want to run away screaming? I need to know!!! Please review now!!!! ::pouty face:: 


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